Have you ever watched a cool DIY YouTube video but totally failed when you tried to actually make it yourself?
Have you scrolled through Instagram wondering why you’re the “only one” that hasn’t posted the perfect annual picture of you & your boyfriend at the local pumpkin patch?
Even worse than that…have you ever watched an adorable chick flick only to return to your normal life remembering that you don’t have a boyfriend at all, and even if you did he would never treat you like Troy treated Gabriella?
Maybe it’s just me who encounters these kinds of realizations more often than I wish, but I’ve always been so intrigued as to why we as humans seem to consistently fall for the “expectation vs reality” traps that surround us everywhere we turn. While it can be frustrating ruining a birthday cake that looked so perfect on YouTube or wasting all your time on a craft that didn’t look good in the end, lately my thoughts regarding these false realities or expectations has been directed specifically towards the exciting, and sometimes anxiety filled world of dating and relationships.
May I start off with a few inaccurate fantasies regarding romance I have observed from the hundreds of chick flicks I have watched in my lifetime:
-It is perfectly normal, even romantic, to go from knowing someone to sleeping with them in the same day.
-The “date to hate” phenomenon; falling in love with someone only to fall right back out of it the second they mess up or fail to meet your unspoken expectations.
-Men are expected to be flawless romantics…candlelit dinners, flowers, chocolates, poetic love letters and songs, twinkling smile, you name it. Women are in turn expected to be ‘strong & independent’, drop-dead gorgeous, bikini bodied, and overall both physically charming and emotionally stunning.
I acknowledge that these statements sound extreme and have been dramatized to better explain the point I am trying to make, but hopefully you have also recognized these situations in these too good to be true films we all love to fangirl over. With these cinematic fantasies in mind, I have considered many different aspects of dating that could positively impact these situations, and how to avoid falling in the trap of expecting false realities in relationships. My realizations follow, and I believe that these principles will benefit anyone seeking to progress in romantic relationships or even simply to better their personal connections in general.
Let’s start with the basics: figuring out what is considered a date in the first place. While it is extremely common among the younger generation in recent years to simply “hang out” rather than date, I find great significance in putting forth efforts to go on real dates rather than just always wasting time partying with friends. In my opinion, men and women are more likely to be more respectful to each other and others when on an actual date, and chances are, they will participate in activities that spark genuine and uplifting conversation throughout the night. To put things simply, Elder Dallin H. Oaks (religious authority in the Church of Jesus Christ) suggests, “A ‘date’ must pass the test of three p’s: 1-planned ahead, 2-paid for, and 3-paired off.” (Oaks, 2005) As we all know, the purpose of going on dates is to better get to know certain individuals in preparation to one day marry whomever we feel the most drawn to. Because of this, I like to pair these three “p’s” of dating with three potential “p’s” of marriage, suggested by a group of leaders also of the Church of Jesus Christ. In a sacred document entitled, “The Family-A Proclamation to the World”, we read, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” (Hinkley, 1995) We are encouraged to spend time practicing these three “p’s” of dating so we will be better prepared for the presiding, providing, and protecting aspects of marriage, no matter how near or far away it may seem.
Next is overcoming the fake belief of the supernatural ability to quickly learn everything you need to know about an individual to participate in either a) immediate intimacy or b) a secure, committed relationship. In a clear formula to successfully getting to know someone, we could consider the following three addends as a beneficial solution: togetherness + talk + time = know. Togetherness implies much more than physically being with someone, rather it encourages sharing experiences, participating in bonding activities, and displaying respectful behavior that will allow the other person to experience who you really are as a person, not just who you say you are. Talking is a two way constructive communication line where both individuals are interested in mutual self disclosure, or conversation that will naturally lead to learning more about yourself as you learn about somebody else. The addend of time in this equation can be interpreted in many ways and could be altered depending on the situation, but it generally takes three months to begin actually knowing a person. The reason why longer courtships tends to be better in the end is fairly obvious as Gordon B. Hinckley (former President of the Church of Jesus Christ) explains, “When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved.” (Hinckley, 1997) It is clear to see that in taking time, and waiting until the appropriate time to do so, we are better able to connect with individuals and be confident in choosing them as our one and only.
Finally, it is crucial to acknowledge that romantic relationships are not exactly what we see in the movies. Bluntly said, I have come to realize that in some situations, men could be caught up in the idea that their spouse will look and act like the porn stars they have likely seen on media. Women could similarly have the unrealistic expectation that their husband will be just as romantically flawless as the men she’s seen in movies. Such mistaken comparisons can be both toxic and fatal in a relationship. Of course it is not impossible to find a partner that is loving and romantic and makes you feel like the greatest person in the world, but it’s important to remember that we are all people, not characters that are told what to say and do. I feel that one of the most commonly pressing issues regarding couples in the first months of marriage is the idea that once they get married, all of the difficulties in the relationship will magically go away. Not only is this incorrect, but it can distance couples from each other and cause unnecessary tension or resentment in the relationship. Therefore, maintaining realistic expectations of your significant other is key in finding joy and satisfaction in the romance.
In conclusion, we need not always be susceptible to vain and unfeasible romantic expectations that we so often witness. Flourishing relationships are not unobtainable, and are actually quite simple when founded upon constructive principles of healthy communication. I am confident in saying that dating and marriage can bring more happiness than almost anything in this life, and while there may not be a life-changing DIY YouTube video to guide you through it, such happiness and satisfaction is in fact feasible for anyone willing to put in the required effort.
Love, Lily
Sources:
Hinckley, G. (1995). The family proclamation. Proclamation. Retrieved October 20, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng
Oaks, D. H. (2005). Dating versus hanging out. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved October 20, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng
Hinckley, G. B. (1997). Unsteady Dating. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Retrieved October 20, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/2010/04/unsteady-dating?lang=eng
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