Close your eyes for a second and think of the most dangerous situation you’ve ever been in. Where were you? Who were you with? What made it dangerous? How did you get back to safety? How do you feel when you think about that experience?
As you’ve probably experienced, when our brains recognize danger, our bodies automatically react by increasing our heart rate or heavily breathing, and at times we even lose our ability to think logically in such situations. Danger can be both physical or emotional, hence the reason our bodies tend to react the same way whether we are are on the edge of a cliff or having a anxiety attack. The interesting thing about danger, however, is that it is simply our perception of a stimulus or situation at hand. That being said, how we choose to think, feel, and react to such circumstances is what really matters.
An example of this would be the story of Alma the younger in the Book of Mormon. After persecuting his father’s church and misleading a large number of believers, Alma the younger is visited by an angel of God upon which he falls to the ground and loses consciousness for many days. I can imagine that had such an unexpected and scary situation occurred at random or when he hadn’t been dragging down the followers of God, Alma’s father would be frightened and frantic to find help. However, in this situation, he knew that his unconsciousness had occurred as a result of a godly experience, and instead of seeking a doctor or someone to tend to his son, he invited as many people as he could to come see as he laid helpless in a coma, as a witness that God existed and was aware of them. Alma the younger eventually awoke and became one of the greatest missionaries and witnesses of the miracles and mercies of God of all time.
While we may not all have such extreme, or dangerous, experiences in our lives, we will certainly have many stressful situations and anxiety-filled phases of life in our families. As these times of life manifest themselves, we, like Alma the older, can choose to see the experience as something that will shape us, strengthen our family relationships, and make us better people in the end. Because of this, we can see the “dangers” and anxieties in a different light, remembering that our thoughts and feelings change the outcome, not the danger itself.
In Chinese, the word for danger is “wei ji” (危机) and literally translates to danger-opportunity, or the critical point where a change begins to be made. I love this idea of seeing the difficult and pressing times in life as an opportunity to positively change in ways that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. A common word we use to describe this concept is coping, or the ability to deal effectively with something difficult. May I suggest an example of a different type of coping that can also symbolically apply to the stressors we so often feel in family life:
Concrete swimming pools are built with an outer layering of a solid structure, called coping, that is created by heating cement-like material at extreme temperatures to ensure that it will stay firm (picture below). The purpose of installing coping is to protect the structure of the pool by connecting the interior and exterior, keep as much water in the pool as possible, allow for a secure grip to hold onto in case of emergencies while swimming, and protect people from slipping and falling into the pool. Considering the objectives of coping in pools in comparison to coping in families, keep this analogy in mind as we combine all of these ideas of danger, opportunity, and change into an effective practice of coping.
Similar to how the foundation of coping in swimming pools is set up long before the water is put inside for people to swim in, we must also prepare ourselves, as soon as right now, to be able to cope with the stressors of life that will come. By creating healthy habits, especially as a family, difficulties and dangers of family life will not have as significant of a negative impact; in fact, they may even positively impact the family in several ways.
Some suggestions of good habits to start engaging in with family include (but are not limited to) the following: daily family prayer and scripture study, hugging often and saying “I love you”, weekly date night (for couples/parents), and learning to forgive. To suggest a few more positive daily family habits, Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, advocates the following seven habits that lead to happier individuals and families: be proactive, begin with the end in mind, put first things first, think win-win, seek first to understand and then to be understood, synergize, and sharpen the saw. (Covey, 1989) Having such habits significantly minimizes stress because they serve as automatic coping mechanisms, build strong families, and remind us that anxiety and stressful times are completely normal and healthy.
In sum, it is beneficial for families to see danger, panic, and stress as an opportunity to make changes and grow closer to one another, providing a way to cope with whatever may come. We were destined to be sent to earth in families so we have a support group of people to encourage us and help us as we go through the trials of life together. May we begin today to form and keep positive habits that will soften the stressful blows that will come our way.
Love, Lily
Sources:
Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon & Schuster UK Ltd.
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