Have you ever received a text from someone you care about that you misunderstood? Whether over or under punctuated, emotionless or emoji-ed, dry or descriptive, it is oftentimes difficult to fully understand the message that the other person is trying to portray in texting. I have personally had many times where clarification has been necessary to understand or be understood in such circumstances.
While texting is unfortunately not the only form of communication that leads to misunderstandings, the question must then be asked, how can we better portray our thoughts and feelings to be understood by those with whom we communicate?
According to David Burns’ model ‘5 Secrets of Effective Communication’, he suggests the following to minimize misunderstandings, especially in disagreements with people (the acronym of EAR): Empathy, assertiveness, and respect.
In regards to empathy, he suggests that the key to empathizing with people is finding a kernel of truth in what the other person is trying to say. Even when it seems completely unreasonable or unfair, some truth can always be found in validating their feelings. This does not mean you have to agree 100% with what they are saying, but simply showing that their voice was heard makes a world of a difference. Interestingly enough, in most situations, it feels better to hear someone respond with “you’re right” then “I’m sorry”. Paraphrasing what they are explaining back to them is another way of showing empathy when coupled with a genuine acknowledgement of how they are probably feeling based on what they said. When difficult to decipher what message they are trying to convey, gentle and genuine clarifying questions are key in empathizing with the person you are trying to understand.
Assertiveness could figuratively represent the meat if the EAR model was a hamburger; if over or underdone, it completely ruins the burger, but without the patty, it would simply be buns and lettuce. The point I am trying to make is that assertiveness is crucial in communicating in an understandable way, avoiding miscommunications. This is where you are able to express your side of the story using simple and direct “I feel…” statements. This means sharing your emotions in reaction to what the other person said. Without being overbearing or defensive, you can constructively share “I feel upset because…” rather than “it’s all your fault”. Because we only have control over our own feelings, thoughts, and actions, it is imperative that we don’t control other people, rather seek to better understand why they do what they do.
Respect is another critical aspect in effectively communicating. Even, and especially in a heated argument, it is important to find value and positivity in what the other person is saying. This is much easier said than done, especially because in such situations, seeing more perspectives than your own is extremely difficult. However, when real respect is communicated, it is much easier to see eye to eye and resolve a disagreement.
Something easily forgotten in this model is that it not only applies to negative or argumentative situations, but should also be expressed in positive situations. This includes recognizing the good that your partner, friend, or relative does and share that with them as often as possible. Communication is not only designed to solve problems; it is also encouraged to build strong relationships that can then stay strong when problems do arise.
In sum, communication is critical in thriving relationships. Being vulnerable enough to share and validate feelings is not always comfortable, and certainly not easy, but in life it is rare that something of value comes without some work and discomfort. Whether in texting conversations, heated arguments, or even just daily conversation, I am confident that in attempts to empathize, be assertive, and show respect, misunderstandings will be minimized and relationships will flourish.
Love, Lily
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