Growing up, my siblings and I loved making massive “pillow beds”, where we’d cover the entire living room floor with all the pillows we could find in the house and have a big sleepover party. One night in particular, we decided to up our game by setting up a tent in the downstairs living room and making our pillow bed in the inside. We had a super fun time, but as life tends to be among siblings, the fun didn’t come until after a few disagreements or fights. I was six years old at the time, and I remember being so frustrated that my older siblings weren’t letting me help put the tent up. I threw a HUGE tantrum and went and sat in the other room by myself, feeling so picked on.
Only a few moments later, my dad was sitting at my side asking me what was going on. In attempts to defend myself, I anxiously anticipated his response, expecting to receive a significant punishment for my inappropriate actions, but he instead shared a very short yet powerful lesson with me. He softly explained that life is tough and can be unfair, but he wanted me to know that no matter what difficult situations would happen in my life, I could know for a surety that he loved me “more than the fish in the sea”. I specifically remember looking up at him, wiping the tears of frustration off my cheeks as I laughed and exclaimed, “Daddy, you don’t even like fish!” He laughed with me, giving me a little hug and we headed back to the tent for the family sleepover.
The older I get, the more I recognize that the most influential and impactful lessons I have learned from my parents throughout my life have come from seeing loving examples and feeling respected; even as a young child. It’s not hard to see that lectures, extreme punishments, and resentful criticism are typically not the moments we take valuable life-long lessons from. While such actions can be necessary at times, children learn and grow best when treated with warmth and consistent love, which seems to be more common among parents who understand that children are just children, experiencing and experimenting with life the best they know how.
As adults, we tend to be the most frustrated with people when our deep core needs aren’t being met, whether love, respect, acceptance, autonomy, security, or trust. Similarly, children have many significant needs to be met, sometimes for their survival. Some of these main core needs include: physical and emotional contact, a sense of belonging, and protection. A lot of times when children come across as annoying or irritating, it is their way of trying to express that they need contact; whether physical or emotional. Hugs, playful wrestling, genuine loving conversation, or expressing interest in their lives and hobbies are a few simple ways to fulfil children’s need for contact with parents. Similar to the story from my childhood with my siblings setting up the tent, children’s need for belonging can be met in allowing them to help out with tasks that make it easier for them to recognize their importance and security in the family. In showing such care and love to children, they feel more protected and safe in the walls of their home, decreasing their likelihood to pester and annoy those around them in search the attention they aren’t receiving.
In a general conference address entitled Joy and Mercy by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he shared, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need won’t satisfy you.” (Oaks, 1991) Therefore, adults as well as children can spend their whole lives trying to find satisfaction in things that literally cannot satisfy them, simply because basic core needs are not being met. When we are able to recognize the needs of those around us, especially children, we can make one of the most influential differences on the world that can be made, saving souls from what could be a lifetime of confusion and dissatisfaction.
As a teenager, my parents and I both learned very quickly that I am very stubborn and enjoy freedom and independence. My extremely patient parents were able to figure out the most effective way to parent me was to allow me to make my own decisions and learn my lessons the hard way if necessary. I was grateful for the lasting impact this made on me as I recognized their trust in me. Because of their efforts to show respect towards me and my decisions in life, I equally respected them so much, and to this day I seriously value every piece of advice and constructive criticism they give me. One of the greatest things about my parents that I hope to carry to my future family is how they treated my siblings and I as their friends, while still having rules and expectations for our behavior that were obeyed out of our respect for them rather than harsh punishment and lectures.
Just months after graduating high school, I was really struggling to cope with transitions of life, knowing I would soon be leaving for 18 months to live halfway across the world from my family and friends. One night after my entire family had gone to sleep, everything hit me all at once and I crawled underneath my bed to let out all the tears I had been holding in for months. After a while, I opened my eyes to see two feet standing at the opposite side of my bed and before I knew it, my mom was laying right next to me under my bed. She didn’t even say anything, but just her being there was all I needed. Eventually, I composed myself enough to get out from under the bed and my mom and I sat on my bed and talked through everything that was on my mind until I felt better. I am grateful to have been raised by goodly parents who were always able to address my needs without letting go of their own. I strongly believe that parents have a significant influence on their children as they teach them lessons through their examples and respect.
Love, Lily
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